Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

Bill and Steve are enjoying a beer and discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says. "Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?" "Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says. "Wasn't that love?" Steve asks. "No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me." "Wasn't that love?" asks Steve. "No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve. "No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.

When is a black dog not a black dog ?When it's a greyhound !

What is a double-blind study?Two orthopaedists reading an electrocardiogram.

First cannibal: My wife's a tough old bird. Second cannibal: You should have left her in the oven for another half an hour.

Policeman: Why were you speeding when I stopped you?Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.

Why are fish so gullible?They fall for things hook, line and sinker!

General Heath, a famous lover of parade music and marching drill ceremonies, once listened to a symphonic orchestra playing.When asked about his impressions, he commented:"No military precision in drill...""Why?""Did you see those violin players? They were moving their bows not in cadence."

What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk ? An udder failure !

Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.