What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot ?A carrot !

What is the second stupidest thing in the world? An Arkansas architectural student out in the middle of the ocean trying to build a foundation for a house. What is the stupidest thing in the world? An Arkansas contractor trying to build a house on the foundation.

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?""No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely!Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mum's too frightened he'll break it!

What's big and grey and protects you from the rain ?An umbrellaphant !

Pierre was a camper from France. In his honour, Jenny sang a French song in the talent show. But she didn't sing very well.'Does that make you homesick?' someone asked Pierre.'No,' he answered. 'Just sick sick!'

What do you call a herd of cows in a psychiatrists office? An encownter group.

Why type of lightning likes to play sports?-Ball lightning

How do you get a ghost to lie perfectly flat? You use a spirit level.

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"