Student l: "Did you know that ghosts are protected by the Constitution?" Student 2: "They are?" Student 1: "Sure. It's in the Bill of Frights!"

What's a cow's favourite love song?When I fall in love, it will be for heifer.

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'The priest asks, 'What did you do?'The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'The priest says, 'How many times?' And the woman replies, 'Three.'Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.''What did you do?'I committed adultery.' r\n'How many times?''Three times.'The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'The woman replies, 'Once.'The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'

Jimmy, how many more times must I tell you to come away from that cookie tin? No more, mom. It's empty.

What do you call a monster with a wooden head? Edward.

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW."Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined."You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!""Oh no!", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was."Where's my Rolex???!!!"

How do you get a paper baby? Marry an old bag.

The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

What did the baby skunk want to be when he grew up?A big stinker!

Waiter, waiter! There's a dead spider in my soup. Yes, ma'am, they can't stand the boiling water.