Travel And Tourist Jokes And Funny Stories

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"Look, guide, here are some LION tracks.""Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

What is a twip? A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?"The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown.started to explain the length of the flight and the passportinformation when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response... click.

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them."Not very long," answered the Mexican."But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the tourist.The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.The tourist asked, "So what do you do with the rest of your time?""I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, spend time with my wife... In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, chase the senioras, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."The tourist said, "I have a M.B.A. from Stanford and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue , you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.""How long would that take?" asked the Mexican."Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the tourist."And after that?" asked the Mexican."Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!""Millions? Really?" asked the Mexican. "And after that?"The tourist replied, "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village n ear the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, spend time with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to ahot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, whopays with a $20 bill.The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's mychange?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Helpful advice for travellers:If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you.BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the SAME TIME with a bomb?

During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach. I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!" "The crackers are complimentary," the voice to the other end cooly explained. "I believe you are complaining about your room number."

Joan, who was rather well-proportioned, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."