Religious Jokes And Funny Stories
An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anythingfor a while thePriest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's nopaper in here either.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."
A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be muchin the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, "Tell me,Becky, have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome?""No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going on in Rome?""A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things,decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion ofJesus."Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. "Indeed? And who is responsible, then?""I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz. "I think they suspect the Puerto Ricans."
Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn't want any advice.
A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers asked the students to learned one fact about Jesus by the following Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned. Susie said, "He was born in a manger." Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple." Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how todrive it."Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?""From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway,and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him,'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"
The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why."I'll tell you why," shouted Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.""Well, interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?""Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown."However, you sent us some golf pencils...each stamped with the words, `Play Golf Next Sunday.'"
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks. "Well," they said, "let's try this out." Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearl y pronounced the command, "Heel!" Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?A. In the big inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacherto began his sermon when two masked men burst into thechurch and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bulletfor Jesus better leave now." More than half of thecongregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front rowand said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All thehyprocrites are gone."
At what time of day was Adam born? Just before Eve.