Religious Jokes And Funny Stories

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Ladyof Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state ofagitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calmdown and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nunbegan, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and Iheard some of the older boys wagering money!""A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on acontest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!""What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?""Well, I hit the CEILING, father.""How much did you win?"

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Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world."I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self-righteously, "Did you?""I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

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A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

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An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"The old preacher mustere d up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

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A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, "But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale." Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. "It is physically impossible!" she said. Undaunted, the little girl said, "Well, when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah." To this, the teacher said, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

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Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

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A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car. "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"

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The congregation was sitting and waiting for the preacherto began his sermon when two masked men burst into thechurch and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bulletfor Jesus better leave now." More than half of thecongregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in the front rowand said, "Okay, Reverend, you can preach now. All thehyprocrites are gone."

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O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."

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A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

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