Religious Jokes And Funny Stories
Q: Why did God create man before woman? A: He didn't want any advice.
Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!' Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'
A Baptist missionary was walking in Africa when he heard the ominous padding of a lion behind him. "Oh Lord," prayed the missionary, "Grant in Thy goodness that the lion walking behind me is a good Christian lion." And then, in the silence that followed, the missionary heard the lion praying too: "Oh Lord," he prayed, "I thank Thee for the food which I am about to receive."
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago wasstranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that didnot admit Jews.The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, noroom. The hotel is full." The Jewish lady said, "But yoursign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerkstammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do notadmit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said, "I'll have youknow I converted to your religion."The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.How was Jesus born?"Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Maryin a little town called Bethlehem.""Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger.""That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in amanger?"Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly , "Because a jerk like you in thehotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of theweekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priestexplained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a fewpaces back and pitched the money towards the circle. Whatlanded in the circle he kept and what landed outside thecircle god kept.The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,except that what landed outside the circle went to the priestand the money that landed inside the circle god kept.The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the moneyinto the air and what god wants, god takes."
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'The priest asks, 'What did you do?'The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'The priest says, 'How many times?' And the woman replies, 'Three.'Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive me for I have sinned.''What did you do?'I committed adultery.' r\n'How many times?''Three times.'The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.'The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'The woman replies, 'Once.'The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week, three for $5.'
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Johnny was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School. "Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. "When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites." "Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him knowhow little you think of his evil!"The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?"The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think Iought to aggravate anybody!"