Military Jokes And Funny Stories
Soldier Ivanov was ordered to peel a barrel of potatos.- In this day and age, the army should have a machine to peel potatos, complains Ivanov.- Absolutely, answered the sergeant. And you are its latest model.
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What s kills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!" "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty. A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfectsalute, and snapped out, "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, "Sir, Yes Sir!"The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, "Sir, Yes Sir!"The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again, and said, "Sir, Yes Sir!"The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."The Private simply said, "Good trade, Sir!"
Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here. Let me look at you. Let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much."The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
An Army Ranger was on holiday in the depths of Louisiana, where he tried to buy some Alligator shoes. However, he was not prepared to pay the high prices. After failing to haggle the vendor down to a reasonable price level, he ended up shouting "I don't give two hoots for your shoes, man, I'll go and kill my own!"The shopkeeper replied, "By all means. Just watch out for the two Marines who are doing the same."So the Ranger went out into the Bayou, and after a while saw two men with spears, standing still in the water. "They must be the two Marines," he thought. Just at that point he noticed an alligator moving in the water towards one of them. The Marine stood completely passive, even as the gator came ever closer. Just as the beast was about to swallow him, the Marine struck home with his spear and wrestled the gator up onto the beach, where several already lay. Together the two Marines threw \r nthe gator onto its back, whereupon one exclaimed "Damn! This one doesn't have any shoes either!"
The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base "Requesting Radar". "What is you position?" asked ATC "You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied. After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency" "What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One "You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.
A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers."Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked."No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain."Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student."What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain."Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student."And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain."Throw out another anchor." replied the student."Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."
Sargeant Williams was the newest drill instructor at AOCS, Aviation Officer Candidate School and as such was always trying to impress his company commander and the other officers in the Command. Daily he was seen jumping all over his officer candidates and yelling at them as he supposedly developed them into future Naval Officers. We were lined up behind his company awaiting our turn to go into the mess hall for lunch. We all listened as Sargeant Williams yelled at his company, " you will eat in a military fashion, enjoy this delicious meal and fall by in formation at 1215, do you worms understand me?""Yes drill sargeant.""There are only three rules in this galley, shut up, eat up and get up, do you pukes understand me?""Yes drill sargeant.""Then proceed. Company forward march."When they got inside, they were surprised to see several Miss Florida contestants getting a tour of the mess hall. Not one to let an opportunity slip by the drill sargeant yelled at the top of his lungs, " bravo company what is the first rule of the mess hall?"To his chagrin, his company all yelled out in unison, "shut up drill sargeant!"