Military Jokes And Funny Stories

You Might be a Marine Wife if:1. Your mail goes to four addresses in two countries before it reaches you. 2. You earned an Accounting degree by deciphering your husband's LES and running a family on what was ACTUALLY deposited. 3. "Savings" sounds like a great idea and you hope to someday have some. 4. Sex - see #3. 5. You can simultaneously be a control freak, change plans on a moment's notice, yet you are not being treated for schizophrenia. 6. You know the Tricare regulations/procedures better than their service reps. 7. You know what forms you need better than your husband's Admin clerk. 8. You are strangely attracted (or repulsed) by the color green. 9. You can calculate the cost of a 5-minute phone call from any country, any time, on up to four different calling plans. 10. At a distance, you can pick out your husband from 100 other men with identical haircuts and clo thes. 11. The face paint in your closet is NOT for your children. 12. Name tapes are not just for kids.

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A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers."Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked."No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."

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The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base "Requesting Radar". "What is you position?" asked ATC "You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied. After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency" "What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One "You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.

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An airforce officer goes to heaven and at the gate St Peter asks him if he has ever done anything in his life that he believes makes him worthy of attmittance to heaven. The officer flyboy replies; yes, I once went into a bar with four of my pilot friends and saw two seabees harrassing a young girl at the bar, so being a gentelman I went up to the biggest one and told him to leave this young lady alone. When he refused I told him again more forcefully. This time I slapped him across the face and told this seabee to stand down. St Peter said this was a very good thing to do and asked when the pilot did this great act. The pilot replied; about 5 minutes ago! My friends should be here shortly!

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A Maintenance Battalion in Germany had just received a brand new Executive Officer, an Armor Major. The Major proceeded to issue new SOP directives (Standard Operating Procedures) that WOULD be followed under all circumstances. One of these directives was that NO ONE over the rank of Staff Sergeant would drive their own vehicle, that was what the lower enlisted were for. One morning, the Master Sergeant in charge of the S-2 shop of the battalion had an intel report that was due at Division Headquarters within the hour, and his clerk, a PFC, was off that morning because of duty the night before. The Sergeant felt that he had no choice, the report HAD to get to Division; so he got into his Jeep and started to Division Headquarters.As he got to the gate, the XO stopped him. In a very sarcastic voice he said, "Aren't we paying our drivers a lot these days?"The NCO, without missing a beat re plied, "Not at all, Sir, when you consider what we are paying gate guards."

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At Parris Island, a sergeant was teaching a private to throw a grenade at a pracitice training course. He ran about 10 yards away to be safe, and yelled the instructions."Pull the pin, throw and hit the dirt!"The private proceeds to do so, and throws the explosive directly at the sergeant!A few months later, the sergeant meets the private in a group of men killed in battle. He goes up the the private- no hard feelings because heaven is well, great- and asks him how he 'bit the dust.' Responds the private: "Well, i was caught in a ambush; these guys," He thumbs behind him. "got caught in the jeep under the fire. I managed to make it to a ditch where i yanked a grenade form my belt and pulled the pin and lever. The enemy runs away seeing it, so i put the grenade back onto my belt."

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During the Vietnam War, a hillbilly soldier shot about a dozen of the enemy during his first battle. The Sergeant said, "How'd you learn to shoot like that ? Have you ever been in combat before?" "Well suh," drawled the boy, "To be honest, this is my first public war."

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Q. What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common ? A. Nothing, yet.

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A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

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During the Mexican American War, an intense long standoff occurred along the front. For days and days neither side made any advances.Finally, an American general had a bright idea. He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled, "Hey, Juan!"A soldier jumped up and replied, "What?" The general shot him dead. This continued for three days.A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and decided to try it out. He called out, "Hey, John!"An American replied, "John isn't here. Is that you Juan?"The Mexican general stood up, "Yeah" . . .

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