Mental Health Jokes And Funny Stories

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.Sit there and don't stir.

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When they arrived at the therapist's office, the therapist jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles and hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the therapist went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there - speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The therapist spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

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How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

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How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a light bulb?"How many do you think it takes?"

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How many Dependent P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?None, he's still clinging to the old lightbulb.

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A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.""I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.""For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

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A psychologist returned from a confrence in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permited to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on sweety, let's go home."

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Patient: Why did you charge me a group rate?Psychiatrist: You've got multiple personalities.

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