Mental Health Jokes And Funny Stories

Doctor, doctor, I keep trying to get into fights.And how long have you had this complaint?Who wants to know?

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

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A woman entered a psychiatrist's consulting room leadind a kangaroo."I'm worried about my husband, doctor, " she said. "He keeps thinking he's a kangaroo! "

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Patient: I'm really depressed. Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed. Patient: Nothing is going well. Therapist: Nothing well. Patient: I feel like killing myself. T: You're thinking of killing yourself. P: Yes, I'm going to do it NOW. T: You want to do it now. P: [Jumps out window.] T: Woosh. Splat.

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What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother," he will ask "Why do you say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."

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Patient: Doctor, I get the feeling that people don't give a hoot about anything I say. Psychiatrist: So?

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Doctor, doctor, I feel so short!No problem. Hop up on the couch.

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Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.Doctor: Tell me about your problem.Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!

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How many Passive Aggressive P.D. does to take to change a lightbulb?Oops.I can't believe I broke the last one. I guess you'll have to sit in the dark.

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Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"

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