Mental Health Jokes And Funny Stories
"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again.""Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied."And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever.""Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?""Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave."
In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"The second responds, "God told me I was."At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon.Sit there and don't stir.
Doctor ! Doctor ! I think I'm going crazy. I have a carrot growing out of my ear.Amazing ! so you have. How could that have happened ?I can't understand it either, because I planted cabbage !
Doctor, doctor, I can't concentrate, one minute I'm ok, and the next minute, I'm blank!And how long have you had this complaint?What complaint?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? "Why does the light bulb necessarily have to change?"
Three patients at a psychiatric clinic are up for release. The shrink informs them that they will have to pass a simple test. Asking the first patient: Q. How much is two plus two? A: Blue. At which the kind doctor calls in the orderly to escort the patient back to his room. Turning to the second patient, he asks what is six minus three? To which the patient replies: Square. Once again the orderly is called in to remove the patient. Turning to the third and last patient, he asks, "How much is five plus five?" The patient answers very confidentally: Ten. The doctor, amazed then inquires how did you figure it out? The patient: "Easy.Blue multiplied by square equals ten."
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.""Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."
Fred: "Why are you so upset?" Harry: "My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning." Fred: "So what?" Harry: "So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'."
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."