Lawyer Jokes And Funny Stories
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked."The side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?Cut the rope.
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested."Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again".The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm \r nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?Only one if you run him through slowly!
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.
A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney,feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle ofhundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied."The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!""I don't think so," his attorney told him. "I sent it in the other lawyer's name!"
What is the proper weight for a lawyer?About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?