Judge Jokes And Funny Stories
A lawyer passed on and found himself in Heaven,but not at all happy with his accommodations.He complained to St. Peter, who told him that hisonly recourse was to appeal his assignment. Thelawyer immediately advised that he intended toappeal, but was then told that he would be waitingat least three years before his appeal could beheard. The lawyer protested that a three-year waitwas unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.The lawyer was then approached by the devil, whotold him that he would be able to arrange an appealto be heard in a few days, if the lawyer was willingto change venue to Hell. The lawyer asked: "Why canappeals be heard so much sooner in Hell?"The devil answered: "We have all of the judges."
Judge to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?"Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."Judge:: "And where is milepost 499?"Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."
Judge: Are you married?A. No, I'm divorced.Judge. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
How is a judge like an English teacher?They both hand out long sentences.
When is an English teacher like a judge? When she hands out long sentences.
A young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the center of London, in a blizzard?"The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"
The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?""I do.""Now what do you say to defend yourself?""Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."
Judge: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?A: YesJudge: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?A: Oral.
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?Defendant: No, I did not.Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.
Judge: Your first marriage was terminated by death?A: Yes, by death.Judge: And by whose death was it terminated?