Dirty Jokes And Funny Stories
Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.
A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go Bear hunting.He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go Bear hunting with me, I'll do you anally or you can give me a blowjob.I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get back."The man returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna be?"She say's, "There's no way I'm going Bear hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob."A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says, "Jesus, you taste like shit.""Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go Bear hunting' either."
Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and competely duffed the shot. The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard - grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis." The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said "That was excellent! Let's try it again only this time take the club out of your mouth."
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for theexpress line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned toher."Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled andsaid, "Not bad."
Did u know that a condom had a serial number? No, I never had to unroll one that far.
Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: How are women and rocks alike? A: You skip across the flat ones.
Q: What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? A: Almond Joy candy bar