Dead And Dying Jokes And Funny Stories
What kind of ghosts haunt operating theatres? Surgical spirits.
A man was sitting in the electric chair. The executioner said, "Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to throw the switch in a minute." The man said, "Do me a favor and throw it out the window!"
"Why are you crying Fred?" asked the teacher. "'Cos my parrot died last night. I washed it in Wisk. . ." "Fred," said the teacher. "You must have known that Wisk's bad for parrots.""Oh it wasn't the Wisk that killed it, sir. It was the tumble drier."
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field,until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked theguy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that'smy wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, butnow my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was reallytoo bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they couldenjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time? It was a dead heat.
Question: What did the dead raccoon say in his will? Answer: "Leave it to Beaver."
What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells? A dead centipede.
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!" "Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think it is. Every marriage has to have its first fight!" "I know, I know!" said Joanna, "but what am I going to do with the BODY?"
A man is fibbing away about how great things are in his country. Finally, he starts describing the tall buildings in his country. "There is a building so tall, it took my friend Alex 72 hours to fall off it!" "Oh, my God!" says his friend. "Surely he must have died!" "Of course. He was without food or water for 3 days!"
Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.