Biologist Jokes And Funny Stories
While driving down a steep and curvy logging road, a group of biologists loose control of their 4-wd "Jimmy" and careen down the hill. The truck piles up at the bottom of the canyon, and everyone aboard perishes. Suprisingly, they all go to heaven. At an orientation they are asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?"The first guy, a well known botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest botanists of my time, and left an eternal contribution to the botanical world."The second guy, an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."The last guy, a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!' "
Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear. All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack. The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the world are you doing?"He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can't outrun a full-grown grizzly bear."The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
A couple of biologists had twins.One they called John and the other control.
A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate.On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees.The next day they read the headlines in the local paper:Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.
A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said, "I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question--how do you catch the polar bears in the first place?" "I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right?""Oh no!" the experienced biologist replied, "we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole. Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole !!!"
Garvin the mammalogist, was in Alaska studying polar bear. In sub-zero weather, he would spend 7 days out on the ice. But, after his 7 days in the field, he would return to the small town and spend a day or two resting up and drinking in the only bar in town. On one particular day it was 40 below zero and Garvin made his way into the bar. He asked Bud, the bartender, for a whiskey. "I don't know, Garvin, you sure have run-up a big bill in here." The bartender told him." I know," Garvin replied, "But I'm flat broke, and I sure could use a drink."OK," The barkeep told him, "I'll just write your tab down on the piece of paper and pin it up here by the coat rack.""Oh no, don't do that, I don't want everyone in town to see it."Don't worry," The bartender replied, "I'm going to cover it up with your parka until its paid!"
"A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.The barman says "That'll be 80p [ATP]!"
How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb?Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.
How do you eat a DNA spaghetti?With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)
There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them.He said, "You know, the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to themthat causes the hair to lie toward the back. The way you are dragging thatmoose, it increases your coefficient of friction by a huge margin. If yougrab it by the antlers and pull, you will find the work required to be quiteminimal." The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said, "I can't believe how easy it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran across that Biologist.""Yeah.", said the other. "But we' re getting further and further away from our truck."