Bar, Beer, And Fun! Jokes And Funny Stories
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replies -, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all.The alcoholic has to attend meetings.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"He responds by saying: "If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"
A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,"I'm sorry sir, but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink." The guy swears and walks out of the bar. Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says,"I'm sorry, sir...but I can't serve you...you've already had too much to drink!" Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man..."I'm really sorry, sir, but you've had too much to drink...you're going to have to leave!" The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, "My God, man... How many bars do you work at?!!!"
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.No further testing is planned.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. 'Why, of course,' comes the reply.The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?''I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.''Of course,' replies the second man.Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?''Dublin,' comes the reply.'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin.''Of course,' replies the second man.Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?''St Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962.''This is unbelievable,' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too.'About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar. 'What's been going on?' he asks the barman.'Nothing much,' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again.'
An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, "What is this... some kind of joke?"
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.'' The first priest says, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, I'm Jesus Christ.'' The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you're here again?''
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"