Aviation Jokes And Funny Stories

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need thedelay to make the flight.If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthestgate within the terminal.If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon asyou touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats onthe aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Justlook for the two largest passengers.Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to thelavatory.The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you.The less carry-on luggag e space available on an aircraft, the morecarry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

All of these pilot and aviation jokes get me to thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions.One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It's to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains. When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I'm meetin' me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?"

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London."The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, we can't do that.""Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked. "No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked."My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained."Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

An airplane was losing altitude over the Rocky Mountains. The pilot overthe intercom said that the entire luggage needed to be thrown overboardif they were to survive.After all the luggage was thrown the plane was still going down so theyasked for volunteers. A man from Paris went to the door and said, "Vivala France." Next a preacher went to the door and said, "Lord forgive mefor what I must do." Finally a rich Texas cattle rancher said, "Wellguess I got to do my part," and he grabbed two Mexicans and tossed themout and yelled, "Remember the Alamo!.

Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one.Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it."Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend."In back, there are 25 Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"