Accountant Jokes And Funny Stories

When do accountants laugh out loud?When somebody asks for a raise

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

"The auditors have just left, sir.""Did they check the books?""Very thoroughly.""What did they say?""They want 15% to keep quiet."

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?Go into town and gang-audit someone.

Mr Evans was the Chief Accountant of a large manufacturing concern. Every day, on arriving at work, he would unlock the top drawer of his desk, peer at something inside, then close and lock the drawer. He had done this for 25 years. The entire staff was intrigued but no-one was game to ask him what was in the drawer. Finally the time came for Mr Evans to retire. There was a farewell party with speeches and a presentation. As soon as Mr Evans had left the building some of the staff rushed into his office, unlocked the top drawer and peered in. Taped to the bottom of the drawer was a sheet of paper. It read, "The debit side is the one nearest the window."

What's an extroverted accountant?One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

What does an accountant use for birth control?His personality.

Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?They find bookkeeping too exciting.

How do you know when an accountant's on holidays?He doesn't wear a tie to work and comes in after 8.30.

How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No