Accountant Jokes And Funny Stories
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......
What does an accountant use for birth control?His personality.
The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him."How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics is don't you?"The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what Ethics is. It's a county in southern England."
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
What do you call an accountant without a spreadsheet?Lost
An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him."Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep."
How many auditors does it take to change a light bulb?How many did it take last year?
A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says, "Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock."The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't see how anyone could guess correctly so he says, "OK. You're on.""Nine hundred and thirty two," says the man.The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head. "I don't know how you did it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any sheep."The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says, "Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation."The man thinks, "How would he know, he's never met me before" and says "Righto. You're on".The farmer says, "You're an auditor with a Big Four firm."The man whistles . "How the heck did you know that?""Well," says the farmer, "put my dog down and I'll tell you."
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party:".......and ninthly..."